A Reflection with No Agenda.

It is a nightmare. It must be. I am tossing and turning but I can’t wake up. There’s smoke, and screaming, and chaos. I rub my eyes, rub my eyes…but it doesn’t go away.

Today began like any other. I woke up on this Marathon Monday to the sounds of my alarm clock squawking at me to get up. A couple of snoozes, an English muffin and some much needed coffee later, the day was off and running.

Somewhere in the distance, an 8 year old woke up and his Marathon Monday began like any other… at least I can guess. Because that 8 year old boy is just like me. Every year, that magical day approached when everyone was off from work…a great excuse to eat junk food and hand strangers water and oranges. Lawn chairs, coolers and sunscreen in tow, I’d walk down the Marathon streets with my dad, my best friend and her father. The four of us so content, so safe in the joy of the day… the energy that fills the air, the excitement of seeing mere mortals do seemingly heroic things with their bodies. The rhythmic motion of muscles and sneakers, moving in tandem with arms flapping, teeth shining, skin glistening. The smells of grilled meats, popcorn and spilled beer. The sounds of young kids asking why, why do we do this every year. The sounds of drunk college kids screaming at their friends for walking too fast. The sounds of parents trying to keep tabs on their 8 year old, who would do anything to get just one better look at the head of the pack.

And then there’s today. The visions of yesterday, those smells and visions and feelings of having it all… they’re gone. All gone. And I’m left with a pit in my stomach, an empty pit yet so full of anger, confusion, fear, nostalgia, nausea, and terror.

This isn’t supposed to happen anywhere. This especially isn’t suppose to happen here. I am biased I admit, but anyone who has visited here or lived here or walked these streets will agree… Boston is a special place.

We are small enough to know each other, but big enough to mind our business.

We love our sports teams, and we hate the Yankees.

Dunkin Donuts iced coffee is our state food.

We drive lake maniacs and expect you to do the same.

And we go to the Boston Marathon every Patriot’s Day. And we love it. And we go home after filled with exhaustion from over-stimulation, a stomach-ache from too much food and a heart full of Boston pride.

It just isn’t suppose to happen here… on a day like this…in a place like this. Where people bust their butts to pay for their rent. Where people come from all over the world to a city that prides itself on acceptance of all people. Where we don’t worry about things like this happening, but we just trust in ourselves and each other.

So I toss and I turn. And I shut my eyes tight. And Lord, do I pray that when morning arrives, and how lucky it will be to arrive, this will all be that nightmare I thought all along.

1 down, 3 to go!

1 down 3 to go. Of what you ask? Of clinicals!! It is hard to believe but on Monday I bid farewell to one of my four clinical placements! I was surprised by how mixed my emotions were. On the one hand, I was happy to be finally finishing up these crazy clinical days. On the other hand, I said goodbye to an amazing group of people who have been such a great source of support and cheerleading for my nurse practitioner life! It is crazy how people in these clinical settings get to know you so quickly on such an intimate level, and become some of your biggest fans!

Next week, I bid adieu to the remainder of my clinical placements and that is going to be heavy! On Tuesday, I say goodbye to my preceptor that I have for geriatrics. On Wednesday and Friday respectively, I say bye to the two preceptorships I have had the longest (since September!) at Regis College Health Services and my preceptor in Everett. I honestly can't believe how fast time has flown and how much I have learned! As of today, I have 582 hours done.... who would have thought it was possible! 

Tonight I have lecture and we are learning about the musculoskeletal system (not my favorite). It should be interesting and helpful since at least one patient every day is there for a musculoskeletal issue, and let's face it, they affect us all! Before class tonight, my trip-mates and I are speaking to our class about our amazing trip to Grenada last month, so that should be really fun to share what we experienced with the rest of the gang! 

It's funny how as time winds down, I have less and less to say yet I am dealing with more and more. One day soon you will get the super sappy, emotional farewell post and that will make up for my lack of interesting stories these past few weeks. And yes, I know I have slacked on the Bella photos as well...shame on me, tisk tisk. Maybe a totally Bella post will come your way before our time is through, who knows! :)

April showers shivers bring May flowers

April 3 and we are one month away ladies and gentleman from...wait for it... GRADUATION! I know I know, I about this over and over. The passage of time, how fast it went, how much I've learned, how I will in some sick and twisted way be sad it ended. Oh wait, I didn't let that one out of the bag yet? Oops. My secret's out.

Let me clarify. There are things I will NOT miss about being and grad school and there are things that I will miss. You know you are alllmooost a nurse practitioner when you need to make organized lists and tables of your data. Here is my brain in a nice, organized list (they like that in grad school):

What I WON'T miss
-The constant deadlines
-The fear of failure (I guess that won't go away)
-The feeling of impending doom
-No sleep
-No exercise
-No personal grooming
-No free time with friends and family
-No time to have hobbies
-The paper writing
-The pressure of that final exam worth 1/3 your grade
-The fearing not finding a job

What I WILL miss
-Those many friends and acquaintances from school who I know time will drift away from me just because life works that way with some relationships
-Seeing these familiar faces
-Feeling of community
-Not having to worry about havings someone's life in my hands (without direct preceptor supervision)
-Having a set path in place that I don't have to devert from

So there, proof that the ol' Rachster does have a heart. And that new beginnings and their simultaneous endings come with both perks and downfalls. As I sit and reflect on how things will change alot next month, I also reflect on how I had a job interview today with what would be the perfect place for me to start. Let's hope the next few weeks bring the joy of a job. Who knows.

Until next time, folks, stay warm!

46 days

So, unlike many of my classmates, friends and counterparts who did this, oh say, 2 years ago I finally counted how many days I have until I officially graduate from nursing school: 46 DAYS! I can't believe it! Time is flying by so fast! I remember thinking to myself as winter break drew to a close, "Well, Rach, you are done but you aren't. You have tests and case studies, a trip to Grenada..." Well, the case studies, the exams, the papers and Grenada have come and gone and the Spring is upon us! My heart leaps at the sight of those tiny, newborn buds in the dirt.

Although it is still chilly out, and supposedly more snow is on the horizon (sigh) that smell of spring is in the air. The memories of clinicals past whirl round and round in my head, reflecting on the challenges I have overcome in my 3 years here at Regis. And here I am, sitting at the desk in Health Services as I do each and every Wednesday, and I remember the short 6 months ago when I couldn't tell you anything.

September:
Cindy: "How did his throat look, Rachel?"
Rachel: "Uhh.. I mean, it was... it wasn't pink but it wasn't red. But you know, it had some bumps but I don't know if those are normal. And yeah... but I don't know."

March:
Cindy: "How did his throat look, Rachel?"
Rachel: "Mildly erythemic, no exudates. Tonsils were 2+ bilaterally. Based on his associated symptoms and his throat, I am going to rapid strep him but I expect it to be negative."

Yeah, yeah Dr. House, eat your heart out!

The most amazing thing about nursing is that (sorry folks) YOU NEVER STOP LEARNING! Every single day, every single patient teaches you something new about assessment, diagnosis, management...every single moment is a learning opportunity. And I have found that if I approach each and every day and opportunity and patient in this manner, I get the most out of my experiences. I guess that is the case with life: if you approach it as an open book, you get one well written novel.

As of today I have completed 529 clinical hours!! 536 by the end of today, and that will leave a mere 64 between me and my Master's! A couple of case studies, one paper here one paper there and a final exam and it's time to run off in to the sunset.

Well, until I do, I have patients to see and new things to learn. Have a wonderful Easter, Passover or whatever else the weeks ahead have to offer!

Until next week!

Rachel

Life post Grenada

Well, after a crazy/busy/enlightening/fulfilling/chaotic/hot/bug-bitten 10 days on the lovely island of Grenada, I return to Regis College and pick up right where I left off except for one big difference....

I graduate in 7 weeks!

Today I am on campus for 2 classes, and then am done for the week, though I normally have clinical on Fridays I don't this week. Things are pretty status quo on the school front: case studies to write, clinical hours to do. But as each day goes by, I can't help but feel an immense sense of pride in all that I have accomplished here! As my time at Regis starts winding down, it really starts to hit you how much you have learned, how much you have changed, and how much you have grown! As undergraduate nursing majors walk into Health Services while I'm precepting, and they tell me of the trials and tribulations of 6am clinicals and crazy exams, I reflect on my own early mornings, walking in the snow to the bus stop to catch the bus to Mt. Auburn to be there by 7 to review my patients to start vitals.......... and so on!

Or the nights I was so tired I'd find myself waking up to a page stuck to my face, ink imprinted on my cheek.
Or the days I had no time to eat so I'd make myself a gourmet mishmash of pop tart ala cheeto. I highly recommend it :)
When I speak at information sessions, I see the excitement and fire in Regis's future nurse practitioner students, who ask me what advice I have for their success. "Should I work? How do you pay for it? What is a week in the life like?" It seems like just yesterday I was the one posing such questions!

Grenada only emphasized for me how much I have learned, and more, how much I truly take for granted. From seeing a hospital there, I will never again take for granted a shiny clean hospital floor, a disposible speculum or a pair of gloves that fit. Along our journeys in Grenada, we repeatedly were told how much our work and help meant to the people there. Yet the funny thing was, I felt as though I did not much at all! Here in the US, if we find a breast mass, we refer the patient for a mammogram. In Grenada, if we found a breast lump, we could only refer the woman to her doctor, who would then determine what to do next. No screening mammograms. A huge lack of many major medications. A huge amount of people without jobs, accessible health care, or even a roof over their head. Yet they are so grateful! It really is those moments when you remember what nursing is about: making the most of nothing. Giving from the heart, not always the wallet.

Well folks, it's off to class I go! Tonight we are learning about strokes, anticoagulation therapy and atrial fibrillation. :)      

As promised!

Well ladies and gents, as you prepare for ANOTHER snow storm, I write you from sunny, breezy Grenada where the local time is 7:57pm. We have been having an amazing time here. For those of you who aren't sure what I am talking about, myself and 5 other NP students, along with one faculty member, are in Grenada, an island in the West Indies located near a few hundred miles from the coast of Venezuela. We arrived Friday evening and have been BUSY BUSY ever since!

On Saturday morning, we went to Mt. Gay Psychiatric Hospital and performed breast exams on some of the female patients residing there. The women and staff were so thankful for our services and loved hearing about our lives and what it is like to live in Massachusetts! In addition, we distributed bras that you wonderful people helped to donate to the women, and they were so incredibly appreciative!

After that, we headed back to St. George's University, our home base for the duration of our experience. The school is home to a very reputable medical, veterinary and nursing school. There are students from all over the world here!

In addition to performing breast exams, we have spent 2 days precepting with Grenadian doctors. Each of us have had different experiences. I spent yesterday precepting with an amazing pediatric and adult primary care physican named Dr. Kecia Lowe. We have formed such a special friendship and I hope to see her again on her next visit to the states or my next visit to wonderful Grenada! Today, I spent a day at the Planned Parenthood League, which was a really amazing experience! Months ago, I had trouble being able to independently perform a Pap smear or do breast exams. I feel that this experience has not only opened my eyes to an amazing new culture, but also has improved my clinical skills so I can be better provider when I return home to finish my final semester!

Otherwise, we have spent a lot of time learning about Grenadian culture, including a visit to a show that demonstrated local culture and history. We also have participated in various on campus activities with both the nursing and medical school. For the rest of the week, we will have a bit of free time. However, we will be busy rest assured! We will be visiting both a nursing home and a home for the disabled, along with participating in a health fair up in the mountains on Sunday.

I am absolutely blown away by the kindness, friendliness and patience of the people here. The rule of thumb is: you must say hi to everyone you pass on the street. I guess I could get use to that!

Well, the wind is blowing and my eyelids are closing... work work work!

Until next time, stay safe in the snow and I will send some heat and sun your way!

GREETINGS FROM GRENADA!! (blog post to come)

Hi ladies and gents and happy spring break (ahhhh) to you all!

I just wanted to apologize for my recent drop off the blog world. Between a stomach bug, midterms and flying to Grenada (where I write from now) things have been a bit chaotic!!

I will post later in the week about our adventures here in the hot Caribbean! We are learning so much and I can't wait to tell you all about it. Until then.....