The Downfall of the Perfectionist.

It's not surprising that in nursing school you learn a ton of new things. You start with how to talk to a patient, how to properly make a bed, wash a patient, give a medication. Then, you move onto assessing patients, creating plans of care, and working together with other health care providers to improve patient outcomes. Then, during your Master's, you begin to learn how to properly diagnose, manage and treat patients. But there's one thing that isn't in the curriculum, syllabus or course description...what you end up learning about yourself.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths are our weaknesses and vice versa. For me, that seems to be the case with perfectionism. It doesn't manifest itself in the way you might imagine. For instance, my apartment is a disaster: dishes piled up, papers everywhere. The nice leather couch has a chic new layer of bulldog hair adorning it. Nor is my perfectionism in my appearance: I would venture to guess I am maybe 10 lbs. heavier than I should be, and anyone who has met me is likely to find me in sweatpants, hair desheveled and smudges all off my glasses. My perfectionism lies in me. Perhaps one of my greatest strengths and my greatest challenges, I put a ton of pressure on myself. I have always demanded perfection in my performance: whether it be school, plays, sports or whatever I commit to. I simply cannot do less than my best. While one might argue this is a strength, boy does it get tiring! The constant self-inflicted pressure to be the perfect kid, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect person is a losing battle. The fact is, NO ONE, including me, is, or will ever be, perfect.

So what does this have to do with nursing, you ask? Umm, just about everything. As nurses and nurse practitioners, we work with people on a daily basis. We get to know them intimately: their fears, their goals, their bodies. And they turn to us for guidance, expertise, professionalism and, many times, perfection. The fact is, we are not God. Nor are we perfect. We will not always be right, or be sensitive enough, or quick enough, or in depth enough. We will not always be careful enough or focused enough. For me, this has been something that is very difficult to grasp. At the beginning of each semester, I find myself scrambling, drowning in fear

I am a new student again! I don't know what I'm in for. How will I know what to do? What if I mess up? What if I just don't know? What if I fail? What if I bomb that one test that matters most?

The fact is, nursing school has taught me so much more than nursing: it has taught me how to live an honest, calmer life. I constantly work to remember that I am not suppose to know everything, nor could I! If I did, why would there be a need for school? Why would their be a licensure exam? We can't start at the finish line, we have to start at the start. And more, embrace being at the start. So wherever you are today, if it isn't your goal, embrace that discomfort. Remember that those remarkable doctors, nurses and nurse practitioners you strive to be like once were you: struggling to see ear drums, questioning lung sounds, forgetting drug treatments.

And most of all, thank you all for giving me the chance to remind myself of these lessons. With that, I am going to go prepare for tomorrow, which promises to be a day of excitement, challenges, and oh so precious uncertainty.